Hello Father God,
As usual it's been awhile since I've come here (or anywhere) to write to you. I sort of half talk to you and half listen but that's not really what it should be about. You want my whole heart, my whole attention...and I really struggle to give it. In fairness...or perhaps, excuse...I struggle with all relationships. My own self, my family, my friends, and very obviously with You.
Lately you've been putting a particular program on my radar more and more. You've given me signs in more than one way that this is an avenue I should be seriously considering....and committing to. Do you know how terrifying that is for me? Of course You do....but. Oh but....but what FPD (self)...it's time to stop making excuses but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified. Afraid of what I might uncover, afraid of the process and the what if's, afraid of hurting more, afraid of failing You or myself or someone else....though I know I have already failed you over and over and over again. Because....well. Human. Don't really need to explain much more than that.
So this program. It's called Celebrate Recovery (CR). I first heard about it years ago but thought it was just an exclusive group for individuals who struggle with drugs and alcohol use. Which I have touched on but is not typically one of my big hang ups. Well lately, shortly before finding my current church, I found out that CR is for so much more. Really, it's for anyone. That changes things. I was listening to a podcast by....hmmm...I think it was Brittany Moses that first brought it back into my radar. Then shortly after (like days) I started attending a church that happens to offer this and it was mentioned again. And then again and again by a few people. Okay...I get it God. I'm pretty sure you want me to make the commitment....but I'm struggling. Am I ready to dive deeper. To stop avoiding everything that overwhelms me or triggers up any emotion. Will the process send me spiraling out of control back into the depths of depression to the point of needing the hospital again....after 7.5 years of not needing an admission...because in the past trying to connect with you set me up for attack...and I definitely can't do this without your protection and guidance. I know you have a plan though. I know Your plan is ultimately good. But I'm scared...and I've grown used to staying in my comfort zone....my little safe bubble. I know You this way....but I don't "KNOW" you. We have a superficial relationship at this point I guess. I've been too afraid to get close.
As scared as I am though I know it's time to get over myself and start doing the work so You can do your work. Lord as scared as I am I know I want You to work in my life and use me to help others and I have to learn to trust you and the process. Please help me.
As usual it's been awhile since I've come here (or anywhere) to write to you. I sort of half talk to you and half listen but that's not really what it should be about. You want my whole heart, my whole attention...and I really struggle to give it. In fairness...or perhaps, excuse...I struggle with all relationships. My own self, my family, my friends, and very obviously with You.
Lately you've been putting a particular program on my radar more and more. You've given me signs in more than one way that this is an avenue I should be seriously considering....and committing to. Do you know how terrifying that is for me? Of course You do....but. Oh but....but what FPD (self)...it's time to stop making excuses but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified. Afraid of what I might uncover, afraid of the process and the what if's, afraid of hurting more, afraid of failing You or myself or someone else....though I know I have already failed you over and over and over again. Because....well. Human. Don't really need to explain much more than that.
So this program. It's called Celebrate Recovery (CR). I first heard about it years ago but thought it was just an exclusive group for individuals who struggle with drugs and alcohol use. Which I have touched on but is not typically one of my big hang ups. Well lately, shortly before finding my current church, I found out that CR is for so much more. Really, it's for anyone. That changes things. I was listening to a podcast by....hmmm...I think it was Brittany Moses that first brought it back into my radar. Then shortly after (like days) I started attending a church that happens to offer this and it was mentioned again. And then again and again by a few people. Okay...I get it God. I'm pretty sure you want me to make the commitment....but I'm struggling. Am I ready to dive deeper. To stop avoiding everything that overwhelms me or triggers up any emotion. Will the process send me spiraling out of control back into the depths of depression to the point of needing the hospital again....after 7.5 years of not needing an admission...because in the past trying to connect with you set me up for attack...and I definitely can't do this without your protection and guidance. I know you have a plan though. I know Your plan is ultimately good. But I'm scared...and I've grown used to staying in my comfort zone....my little safe bubble. I know You this way....but I don't "KNOW" you. We have a superficial relationship at this point I guess. I've been too afraid to get close.
As scared as I am though I know it's time to get over myself and start doing the work so You can do your work. Lord as scared as I am I know I want You to work in my life and use me to help others and I have to learn to trust you and the process. Please help me.
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