Father God,
It's been such a long time since I last posted in here. I just haven't known what to say I guess. Lately though things seem to be changing and now I find myself reflecting more and wondering more about Your will is and how to be obedient to that and how that fits with my desires.
Over the last few years my mental health has become much more stable and I'm finding I'm starting to desire finding a mate. I know in the past I wasn't in a head space to be in a serious relationship without one heck of a lot of immaturity. Now I find myself, despite lack of energy, trying to start learning how to prepare a meal and/or how to keep house. Albeit I'm not doing a great job but I'm at least trying and making improvements.
I don't know your plans or your will for my life. I hope some of my desires match up with some of your plans, time will tell I suppose. I've accepted that I may not ever find a mate or have children, things I thought at one point in my life I wouldn't be able to live without. I'm okay with my singleness but sometimes it would just be nice to have that companionship ya know.
I have worries to though...I want to make sure if I get into a relationship with someone that it is pleasing to you. That the relationship honors You. As of right now, my track record for that is pretty lousy. In the moment it is so so SO hard not to get caught up in things and things seem right at the time but inevitably I end up disappointed because I know I wasn't obedient to you. I give into the ways of the flesh instead. It seems to never fail.
Father, I want help to have strength to not go down that road again. I want to want what you want and to have the strength and obedience to follow through and to also effectively communicate that with a potential partner.
I know I'm stubborn, horribly stubborn at times. I even fight with myself daily. I want to put you first all the time and yet day in and day out I get sucked into the world of computers and cell phones and facebook and everything that goes with them. In times past it's been a gift to help me through some pretty major depression but that time has come and past. I want your help to help me focus completely on you and to fulfill whatever it is you want me to do.
Lord, I love you, I really do but I struggle with all types of relationships and that includes the one I have with you and the one I have with myself and the ones I have with every other person in my life.
I feel you've been putting it on my heart to serve more and do more for others and I'm thankful and appreciative of that. It's been so long that the focus has been on me...a means of survival I suppose...and again the time of that being necessity has past. I need help to change. I need help to continue to desire to change in those stubborn moments when I just can't seem to get out of my own way.
The last while it seems you've been opening up some different doors. Some of them seem to be by bringing back people into my life that in times past I felt hurt me or that I hurt them or a mix of both. Relationships in the past that weren't healthy (not talking about romantic relationships here) and that you're just working on healing some wounds that have been open for quite some time. I'm not really sure were things are headed but I am honestly excited (and admittedly a little nervous) to find out. Despite my reserved appearance I do enjoy an adventure.
Now I'm not really sure what to write anymore so I guess I'll wrap this up, but Father I just want to thank you for all you have done and are continuing to do in my life! I'm not really sure how I'm still alive but I am pretty sure you played a huge role in that.
Thank You!
Love you Papa!
It's been such a long time since I last posted in here. I just haven't known what to say I guess. Lately though things seem to be changing and now I find myself reflecting more and wondering more about Your will is and how to be obedient to that and how that fits with my desires.
Over the last few years my mental health has become much more stable and I'm finding I'm starting to desire finding a mate. I know in the past I wasn't in a head space to be in a serious relationship without one heck of a lot of immaturity. Now I find myself, despite lack of energy, trying to start learning how to prepare a meal and/or how to keep house. Albeit I'm not doing a great job but I'm at least trying and making improvements.
I don't know your plans or your will for my life. I hope some of my desires match up with some of your plans, time will tell I suppose. I've accepted that I may not ever find a mate or have children, things I thought at one point in my life I wouldn't be able to live without. I'm okay with my singleness but sometimes it would just be nice to have that companionship ya know.
I have worries to though...I want to make sure if I get into a relationship with someone that it is pleasing to you. That the relationship honors You. As of right now, my track record for that is pretty lousy. In the moment it is so so SO hard not to get caught up in things and things seem right at the time but inevitably I end up disappointed because I know I wasn't obedient to you. I give into the ways of the flesh instead. It seems to never fail.
Father, I want help to have strength to not go down that road again. I want to want what you want and to have the strength and obedience to follow through and to also effectively communicate that with a potential partner.
I know I'm stubborn, horribly stubborn at times. I even fight with myself daily. I want to put you first all the time and yet day in and day out I get sucked into the world of computers and cell phones and facebook and everything that goes with them. In times past it's been a gift to help me through some pretty major depression but that time has come and past. I want your help to help me focus completely on you and to fulfill whatever it is you want me to do.
Lord, I love you, I really do but I struggle with all types of relationships and that includes the one I have with you and the one I have with myself and the ones I have with every other person in my life.
I feel you've been putting it on my heart to serve more and do more for others and I'm thankful and appreciative of that. It's been so long that the focus has been on me...a means of survival I suppose...and again the time of that being necessity has past. I need help to change. I need help to continue to desire to change in those stubborn moments when I just can't seem to get out of my own way.
The last while it seems you've been opening up some different doors. Some of them seem to be by bringing back people into my life that in times past I felt hurt me or that I hurt them or a mix of both. Relationships in the past that weren't healthy (not talking about romantic relationships here) and that you're just working on healing some wounds that have been open for quite some time. I'm not really sure were things are headed but I am honestly excited (and admittedly a little nervous) to find out. Despite my reserved appearance I do enjoy an adventure.
Now I'm not really sure what to write anymore so I guess I'll wrap this up, but Father I just want to thank you for all you have done and are continuing to do in my life! I'm not really sure how I'm still alive but I am pretty sure you played a huge role in that.
Thank You!
Love you Papa!
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